Next weekend, I'm performing the last two movements of the Dvorak G Major sonatina. I'm a bit worried about it. I'm not worried that I'll screw up the piece, because it's not a very difficult piece. There are a few parts in the fourth movement that I'm a little insecure about (the slow part where it changes to E Major, for instance), but I know that I'll do well. What I'm worried about is the fact that people will be there in the audience. That's a given, of course. I'm worried I'll think about it and realize that. It seems silly because my quartet performs every weekend in front of people. There are parts in the quartet performances where I'm more exposed than in the Dvorak. Something about a big stage and just me and Rebecca up there scares me. It's big and empty and lonely. And slightly scary.

I told Klara, my violin professor, that I wasn't sure I felt comfortable enough to perform. She was fine with that, said that since I was not a music major, she would not force me to perform if I didn't feel I could. Then my accompanist and I had a lesson with Eli, the piano professor, and he just about popped out a kid when we told him we weren't performing in the chamber recital. So, that sort of decided it for me. It's good for me to get out of my comfort zone. After I graduate, I probably won't have many opportunities to perform either. I might play with the quartet for a while, but there's no telling how long I'll be in this area. By this time next year, I might be in Los Angeles or Oklahoma.

My quartet, The Elmwood String Quartet, (find us on Facebook soon!) plays at The Paine every weekend. We play arrangements of Tchaikovsky's Nutcracker for their winter production of Nutcracker in the Castle. It's a nice setup. We play through seven shows on Saturdays and eight on Sundays. We have a good time, stretching the snooze-worthy Arabian Dance into a seven minute improv session. We're three weeks in, with five weeks to go. I'm only sort of driven insane by the music. The pay is great, so I shouldn't complain.

At some point, this whole violin playing thing went from something I did on the side for fun to something I do on the side for money. We played a bunch of weddings this summer. It was nice to be a part of a couple's day. But it was strange too. Some of the couples were so thankful to us for playing that we were invited to the reception. They wanted us to be even more a part of their day. I never went to the receptions - they seemed like too intimate an occasion to go to, even if I was invited. Being a girl and being constantly invited to weddings and receptions doesn't exactly bode well. Even though most of the brides were strangers to me, it seemed like everybody was getting married. Then that started me panicking, thinking that I was so far behind. I had my parents joking, "Where are the grand children?!" quickly followed by "I'm just kidding. You're so young. Plenty of time for that!" Right. No pressure or anything. I still feel like I have a lot to do before that part of my life, but I still feel like I'm hurtling towards it, without any control of my lower limbs.

Maybe this is what growing up is supposed to be like, going through the motions as fast as you can without any knowledge of why your body is doing what it's doing. It's like sprinting, when your legs are moving faster than you knew they could. It's exciting and terrifying at the same time, but you know you just need to get there and you'll be able to breathe. I wonder if that breath ever comes. Everybody tells me that life doesn't slow down, even if college seems like the most hectic time of your life, it continues after graduation.

I really hope that's not true.